UPDATED: The U.S. Mine Safety and Health Administration has released an evacuation order for all miners, spelunkers, and “any and all other persons who work underground within US borders” effective Wednesday, April 13th, for the duration of President Obama’s scheduled budget address to the nation.
“Obama is making a major budget speech tomorrow, which means he is certain to cave-in to Republican demands, whatever they may be — even if they haven’t made them yet,” said US Department of Labor Secretary Hilda Solis. “Collateral collapses and cave-ins have become commonplace around the country whenever President Obama or Democratic Senator Harry Reid speak, so we are preparing for the big one this time.”
The Chilean miners, famous for their own mine escape last year, cut short their current tour of the US upon hearing of Obama’s impending speech. “No way, Jose!” they shouted, as they rushed to board early flights home.
“How do we know he will cave-in?” asked Secretary Solis. “Easy. His lips are moving.”
Chefs and restaurant cooks are also being advised to delay the baking of souffles until after the President’s budget address.
UPDATE — Obama caves in on himself in budget address:
DEMOCRAT OBAMA: I don’t need another tax cut. Warren Buffett doesn’t need another tax cut… And I believe that most wealthy Americans would agree with me. They want to give back to the country that’s done so much for them. Washington just hasn’t asked them to.
REPUBLICAN OBAMA: My finely honed political skills tell me that almost no one believes they should be paying higher taxes… nobody wants to pay higher taxes.